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Mar. 8th, 2010 @ 10:20 pm (no subject)
Ironic. I cannot protect those I love even from myself. One of the great fears of my life? One day actually finding out how much harm I have done to others by cutting myself. It constitutes most, if not all, of the reason(s) why I do not cut myself now. How can I claim to love my family and continue to knowingly hurt them through my self-injury? I know that it isn't the ideal motivation- one would hope I could quit due to my great value for myself, and my recognitions of how unique and priceless I am as an individual (who could possibly hurt something so beautiful? *insert soft sobbing, accompanied by violin*). But the better I come to know myself, the more disillusioned and dissatisfied I become- and also the more convinced that I am really nothing worth being on my own.

Thank God, I am not on my own... Thank Jesus, I am now really something worth being.
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Jan. 13th, 2010 @ 11:50 am Another tidbit.
My body betrays me. Every morning I wake up and do my utmost. I wear baggy pants, gargantuan shirts, no makeup... and I look in the mirror, and still there is a slight widening, a faint curve- is it really there?- at the hips. Still, though minimized, the bulge at the chest- and the sloping eyes and soft jaw of a woman stare back at me. I wake up every morning and forcefully remind myself- there is no forever to this game. The world knows me for what I am: female. My femininity is an inescapable fact... a constant liability. I have not the strength I need to hold off a stronger, larger, offender. How, then, do I propose to survive?

Baggy pants, gargantuan shirts, no makeup.
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Jan. 13th, 2010 @ 11:39 am A bit of prose.
I cannot stand winter. The grass pales to the color of old egg nog, and the majestic trees which line my street begin to look like old men- bony and bald. I walk by a basketball which has been left to sit in this decaying schoolyard and I am reminded of the games my childish cohorts and I used to play... we were so happy. I see such beauty there, and I am amazed. But I always had to go home. Why do I even remember such things, when there is so much else, so much that is so beautiful? I always had to go home...
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Jun. 24th, 2008 @ 08:42 pm untitled poem.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
How to begin when I don't know what to say?
When you could be imprisoned for seeing me each day?
Though you are my brother you cannot live with me,
And when you drive me places you do it secretly.

How to describe a brother like you?
Someone giving, happy, kind and true.
When you pass me a smoke,
Or, with a smile, playfully poke-

It seems I can't help but remember
That we break the law by being together.
Is it right that this should be?
No, and it's my fault, brother-

It's me.

An eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth,
That's how I treated you- but I just told the truth!
I don't understand how that could bring pain,
But here we are, and why? For my gain.

So now both of us must suffer, that only one be free-
How dishonored I am- that that one is me.
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Dec. 16th, 2007 @ 09:30 pm poetry. which, as usual, no one will read.

If only love would let go of me,
If only they'd turn around and see,
What comes to my eyes so readily.
If they saw it- I'd be free.

My family, and more so my friends
All love me truly to the bitter end.
But all of them shall never know-
That honestly I hate it so.

If they despised me as they ought,
They would never have this prison wrought.
But now they keep me in this cage,
Blinded by my helpless rage.

They could at least have left the key,
But no! Out of sight it tortures me.
Only a thought, riddled with doubt,
Taunting me- there's no real way out.

They could hate me. Or at least, lie.
Then I'd be free- free to die.
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Dec. 5th, 2007 @ 10:08 pm a ramble
i don't really consider this to be a poem, it's more of a ramble. anywho...

A Conversation with Shame

Today I was taken.
Forced to admit-
I am the man left shaken.

What shall I do? Where can I go?

I suppose now, it's just me and you, Shame.
No, for now, I'd rather not play a new game.
Why won't I play?
Because I can't stay.

Not with you, Shame. You hurt.

But then, where to go? Alone I see no path from this maze.
I'd need new eyes to see through this haze.

Yes, Shame. My eyes hurt.
I think it's you.

I see a path now, lined with razors, covered in blood.
Disgusting, isn't it? Look at the flood!

That path looks a lot like me.
Yes, Shame- disgusting. I agree.

If I go there, will you stop hurting me?
Don't lecture on how there's no guarantee!
Okay, fine, it's worth a chance.

Come on, Shame, let's go-
Will I get that chance?
Time to know.
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Nov. 27th, 2007 @ 08:28 pm another poem

I am forced to watch as they take you away from me,
And though you are gone, you’re haunting me constantly.
Wrenched from my grasp like so much twine,
They care not for us, thoughtless swine.
Under a mask labeled ‘law’ they steal and plunder,
Tearing and ripping our hearts asunder.
When I shall see you, I know not-
And still they take you, though you're all I've got!

Your ill deeds and faults I gladly forgive,
So that in peace you, others, and I may live.
What's done is done, those are the facts-
And a man is judged by how he reacts.

When they take you away I’m forced to see
The way your face wrenches in agony,
Fighting your bonds to make it home,
Never from it have you wanted to roam.
So why do they take you away from me?
Fight, my brother, and someday be free!

As always, critiques welcome.
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Nov. 26th, 2007 @ 07:53 pm slowly but surely
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: none, unfortunately...
one poem at a time, i will try to get the rest of them on here.


No! Don't go, don't leave me alone,
To rest, destitute, on this empty throne.
Why, why, are you leaving me here?
To huddle down, sick with fear?

You've run away, like a coward,
Easily vanquished and overpowered.
I need you not, I am full grown!
On the field of battle I hold my own.

I will go forth with all my might,
Hoping that somewhere, maybe, the world is bright.
But in this dark corner, I live still.
I know you left, and I wish you no ill.

For if you returned, I would be loyal,
For my own sake I swear it: I would be faithful!
If you were here, my last crust I would share,
To have you, and save you from the empty air.

again, as always, critiques welcome.
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Nov. 25th, 2007 @ 10:17 pm poetry
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: hah! nice wish...
ok. these are all the poems out of my various hand-written journals that i have typed up so far.

The Actor

An actor reciting the best of plays,
On the best of stages, his best of days,
Does not give the performance that you and me
Give daily for others wholeheartedly.

He may dance, sing, and leap about,
But would he, if he'd rather scream and shout?
He does what he wills, it is his passion,
He hides not the truth to stay with fashion.
Whereas you or I cannot say as much,
We'd rather hide than feel truth's touch.

We are the greatest of actors every day,
For every minute, in every way.
Our masks are to our faces pasted,
Never is their glamour wasted.
We hammer on, day after day,
'Til our smiles just stay painted that way,
'Til we don't even feel any emotion,
Only an annoyance at the commotion.

They call me a coward, the others do,
Say I'm not brave enough to feel like you.
But I've felt before, and that's the reason,
I feel no more from season to season.
I'd rather hibernate and stay alive,
Than come awake to only die.

If I Died, Would You Know I Was Gone?

Now my love, a tale I will tell,
Of pain and sorrow, of Death's cold knell.
Of priceless things taken, and one man left shaken-
With cold stuttering, with fear shuddering.

The evil men who did this were close to the one who suffers.
Would you believe it, love, if I said they were his brothers?

They robbed him of his pride,
so no one took his side.
They smothered him with guilt,
Ruined everything he built.

But he was gracious, kind and true.
He still loved his brothers two.
And so his shame just stayed with him,
Lurking and stalking and barking its rhythm.
To rid himself of it he took up the blade,
And a dangerous game of sorrow he played.
Yet to him it was the one release, in his day the only peace.
Then more peace he wanted, so more peace he got,
But at a terrible price: he couldn't stop.

So others found out, saw the cuts on his body.
'Til everyone knew his saddening story.
That he'd been deceived, of true brothers bereaved.

The brothers two were run out of town,
Up over hills and valleys down,
Never again in those parts were they seen,
It all ends happily, it would seem.

But this is not so, we are forgetting the victim,
He still had his shame, it was still with him.
For he felt it his fault that his brothers were gone.
If only he'd stopped, he should have been strong.
He'd not forgiven himself his brothers wrong...
And when he died, no one knew he was gone.

In My Fortress

In mine iron fortress of thought,
Whose battlements in dreams I wrought,
None may touch me, I cannot be caught.

My defenders are many, brave and true,
But upon your entry my defenders you slew,
And no man has entered yet but you.

So you reach my core, and the truth you see,
That nothing good resides in me,
All I am, all I have, is weakness, love,
Save for thee.

And yet, my love, what is this?
Do you leave me in this abyss,
Never again to feel your kiss?

When you leave me, you know not,
That what you take is all I've got,
That all I've done shall be for naught.

Now try as I might my fortress to leave,
My defenders keep me, lest I be bereaved.
So I prepare for one last heave,

That in my life I may love once more,
That all that is good may be an open door,
That you, my love, I shall love once more.

Now I search for one thing only,
To see your face, to have you hold me,
To have my love once more redeem me.

For in my heart is only frost,
And without my love, all is lost,
So I must find you, whatever the cost.

Oh the joy when it's you I find,
But when I attempt of our love to remind,
To you there are no ties that bind.

You would simply send me away,
To only remember, and not live that day,
This is the price you wish me to pay.

I decide that to you my love, this gift I will give,
I will drain my love away slow through a sieve,
And so, my love, because of you, never again will I live.

Where Are You Tonight?

Where are you tonight?
Away from me, away from light?
With someone else in the dark,
A passionate hunter, a lover, a shark.

He's just a spy, this evil man you kiss,
He'll drink you dry, the one whose sheets you twist.
Nothing will he give you, for only does he take.
He'll leave you with a thirst nothing wholesome can slake.

Hot, fast, passionate pain that's almost a pleasure,
A bittersweet ache that cannot be measured.
It's an artistic science, the way he abuses,
Oh, love, please see it's you he uses!

How has he blinded and blackened your eyes?
You are covered by his web of lies!
He's made you believe his heat is hotter,
But in the end it's lukewarm water.

Come back to me, I'll love you better.
My loving won't bind you like a fetter.
Not aggressive and fast, but smooth and slow,
I promise, love, that for hours we'll go.

But for now I know its his name you cry,
And in that knowledge I quietly die.
Only know, darling, that I'll love you forever,
And nothing will cause that cord to sever.

anyone who reads this, critiques welcome.
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